Batteries will no longer be available for cochlear implant recipients

April 1st, 2012 by | Tags: | 14 Comments »

The world is about to be doomed!  I just received reports several days ago from battery manufacturing companies that the metallic chemical elements such as Lithium and Zinc used to produce both disposable and rechargeable batteries have just run out.  While there are still enough batteries to provide every cochlear implant recipients at least another three more months worth of disposable battery usage and one more year for rechargeable batteries, we will need to resort to other solutions to allow us to continue to hear for the rest of our life.

Don’t fret.  As soon as I received the reports, I made several contacts with engineers for cochlear implants to find out what solution they have found to allow cochlear implant recipients to continue to hear without batteries and without having to be plugged into the wall.

Fortunately, the sun has another 4.5 billion years before it turns into a red dwarf and so, that means that we can rely on solar panels to power anything!  The engineers worked very quickly around the clock in the past few days to create solar panels made specially for cochlear implant recipients.

The solar panel sits on the head, on the side where the sound processor is located.  Bilateral cochlear implant recipients will of course have two solar panels, one for each ear.  The solar panel is connected via the headpiece.  As long as we wear the solar panels with the sound processors, we will continually be able to hear very well and be on the go without having to be plugged into the wall all day.

Solar panels for cochlear implants can be purchased at these following stores:


Best Buy

Radio Shack


April 1, 2012 at 2:23 am

Perhaps this post should’ve ended with April Fool’s for those who may not have gotten the joke! You had me for a moment there and I’m not typically gullible! ;)

April 1, 2012 at 2:29 am

I hate to think what it will be like for those people that don’t get much sun where they live.

Alternatively, there’s a small uranium battery available which is totally implantable. It’s not too stable yet, so you have to be careful that you don’t bang your head. If you do you’re like to cause a small thermonuclear explosion which would take out an area the size of new york.

Apart from this small side effect, they seem to work well!



April 1, 2012 at 2:33 am

But Rachel I only see Blue Panels in the story are they available in in Green, I mean they should be coloured green because after all Solar power is “Green” power… right?


April 1, 2012 at 2:33 am

Hilarious! You got me. It’s so cool when someone can laugh at themselves. It says a lot positive things about a person.

Debbi Hook

April 1, 2012 at 3:40 am

You always “get me” on April 1st…love the pictures :-) You are a little early, hence I didn’t think April Fools…congrats on getting me again!


April 1, 2012 at 3:41 am

April Fool!

April 1, 2012 at 10:07 am

Please specify that this is a joke. Apri fool tradition is not common outside the USA…


April 2, 2012 at 3:53 am


Dave Walton

April 2, 2012 at 1:30 pm

Oh come on Pedro – if it were true, you would have seen millions of mobile phone owners going hysterical all over the world, at the thought of having to live without them!

Jay Griffin

April 3, 2012 at 4:47 am

The stability problem was addressed by the development of a plutonium battery, however the drawback was that it had to be replaced every 2,472 years.

Love how the bilateral implantee has to wear a panel on each side. Now instead of worrying about wind-noise hitting the microphone, we got to worry about keeping our panels oriented to the sun.

Enoc Montilla

April 3, 2012 at 11:12 pm

What about those people living in Alaska or in the North Pole?

Felicia Mohammed

May 26, 2013 at 3:09 am

I have a 10 year old daughter who found this while doing research on deafness and her cochlear implant. She was highly upset and hurt that someone would do write something basically making fun of her.
I would hope that you take this under consideration the next time you post something making fun of people who wear implants!


May 30, 2013 at 2:25 am


This is not making fun of anyone personally, but it is a fun post. Life is not about being serious all the time, and it’s important to have a sense of humour even if you have a cochlear implant.

If we never laughed, life would be truly dull, and the best sense of humour comes we can truly laugh at ourselves and our foibles, cochlear implants and all.

I personally know the person who wrote this, and she wears two implants herself.

My comment to you would be – relax and don’t take life so seriously.

david nelson

November 5, 2013 at 2:11 am

…actually…in all seriousness, I would like to find a solar powered battery charger to recharge my sons rechargable CI batteries….any sources?

It could come in handy…will keep searching the web…